The battlefield inside my head and soul..

Again I fell down in my spiritual journey. I don’t know what to tell my God. I just look up and cross my fingers. I haven’t been anywhere in life. I have experienced failures. I failed the battlefield inside my head and soul.. sigh!

Today while scourging through the word press posts, I came across some lines in a post it goes like this

The process of stepping out of routine, taking a leap of faith, and breaking habits is extremely challenging and takes more self-discipline than the decision to make the change; it is an hourly, daily exercise in faith and intentionality.

Taking a leap of faith and break of habits—-> requires self discipline, hard work, determination and persistence from my part. To speak frankly, I lack the above qualities. I write over here, to make myself realize that I need to go more. I wanted to remind myself and people like me that we haven’t reached anywhere. When I look back, I feel I have lost myself. My past had darkness and brightness within itself. I think I have brought forth the darkness and lost the brightness. Now I am immersed in darkness. Thoughts like I-have-lost-myself, I-am-good-for-nothing disturb my head each and everyday. Mostly I-am-a-complete-failure occupy my thoughts nowadays. So I guess those lines were written for me, by Someone above. I am trying to take this extremely challenging routine. But I need constant persistence and prayers. I am just praying to my best friend Jesus, to bear with me and help me X( Hope he would hear… May God bless you all!

battle-lost

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My blank heart

I don’t have any words to tell you this time. A blog is about writing what you feel, and my blog is exclusively about my expressions of my soul.But…today, I feel wordless or speechless. I feel sad, partly due to innocent suffering people in the world and partly due to the blank heart in me. If you ask me the reason…I will only look down without saying anything. Coz I am sad. I am really sad. My brain will give a hundreds of pointless reasons, but my heart will give you a blank murmer. I don’t have the words to express the blankness in me. Allow me to weep and feel sad. Allow me to express. Allow me to feel.{If you allow me more, I may feel helpless, worthless and depressed 😉 } I just want my blankness to be heard….so I am writing….My blank heart…glass__lucent_heart_by_raingarden1.jpg

And there is nothing to write…coz its blank 😦

Just blank…….

 

My message from above.

feeling-guiltyI was feeling guilty when I woke up in the morning, for the person I am and I was. I was feeling guilty about the darker part in me and the demons that rule me. Sometimes our thoughts may take us to darker and deeper pitches of the world. I have experienced adventure with my thoughts and my lonely moments. I traveled to different parts of the world through the books and the media around. I have felt various emotions of the poor, rich, the money minded, babies, the greedy, the selfish, the ruthful and so on. The list never ends. Sometimes I know the beautiful heart of the pure minded and I feel proud of myself. But the other times, my mind takes me to pitches I never even want to explore. I told you before in my first post, I am here to explore a side of me that was never looked upon. I am here to explore a side that was quietened within me.

As I was feeling guilty with myself, I needed something to help me out from the prison I was in. I wanted to free myself from the chains that bound me. The chains of sin and guilty thoughts. chan

Well, sin is something that is within all of us. We are not one hundred percent perfect. I agree, we are mere humans. But I was taking myself away from the sinful self, I am bringing myself to the spiritual world. As the baby takes its first steps, I took mine, fell down and hurt myself. I was disappointed. I thought I can never free myself from the darkness. That’s when I came across this beautiful message. I was delighted! I thank the “Softly spoke river” for such beautiful and concise messages 🙂 . It was an answer to my guilt-ridden heart. I can say, it was a message from above. It was about  practicing your new character. You fall and fail, but never mind, with sheer determination ( and faith) you can overcome the older self.

Last few weeks I came across many stuffs. I will share them to you in my future posts (if God wills! 🙂 ) I am stopping for now. I just wanted to share my happiness and message to you, therefore it can help you. If at all this can help anyone of you, then I am so obliged! 🙂